Dear Journal,
I have passed my graduation presentation fine. I got full marks (100%) and I'm really proud, especially since I feel lighter knowing THAT part of the stress is gone. However, there is some other lingering stress-causing problems I need to fix. I've been hiding from most of my friends because I can't concentrate, and I've even been hanging around Mr. Kozicki's classroom during my lunch period so that I can sit and think and chat with my friend Brittany (who I work with). His room is always quiet since all they do is read or write, and it's very good for my to clear my mind before American Government, which is a stress in itself trying to keep up, and then directly after work.
I don't get much time to think between the end of lunch and starting work. The walk over to Subway from room is always spent thinking about how much homework I got or anything before I spend seven and a half hours at work, from 2:45 to normally 10:20 working, and the coming home and taking a shower, and then homework. I've grown accustomed to dealing with sleepiness, since I barely get four hours of sleep now.
What's worse is that the days I try to relax I'm normally dragged out by the family, and although I appreciate that greatly...I just need some me time.
I can't take a day off from school, I've already missed so much and I just can't afford it. Plus I need ot pay off the $600 from my car. My next pay check is coming soon which I am so grateful for, so I can finally pay off some of the debt to my parents since they paid for it.
I've just been busy and kinda lonely, but on one hand I know I can make it through this stress. I can stand on my own two feet now and even though I miss some of my friends I know that I can deal with it. I'm not that reliant on people anymore. I have more trust in myself, a higher confidence and self esteem. I don't know when this popped up...I think I just came to terms with something, even though I don't know what...
All I know is I was invited to a Halloween party by my friend Hope. We're going trick-or-treating together and also doing some other things with some other people. And I have my outfit already, I'm going as an eskimo. O:
and I got a husky stuffed animal to put in my shirt and carry around as well!
I'm excited for it! YEEEE.
Also I found the perfect idea for my National Novel Writing Month (November) book. :3 I'm going to be having fun with it!
I've found my phobia of the dark again, and a lot of paranoias creeping up on me though and I don't like it at all. I have to keep a light on now, all the time :( it's sad.
Cata
- In Reconciliation. Or something...
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insanityspews- October 19th, 1:55
- Missing you.
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- insanityspews
- September 6th, 0:39
It's been a while journal. I don't seem to update this very often. I normally do that on my dA journal...this journal is only known by a special few people, but I'm not sure if they even check it a lot. It doesn't matter, most of the stuff I post here they know anyways.
I don't know why I felt like posting a journal here. I think lately I've just been feeling a bit lonely and cut off, but that's to be expected with work and school and not being able to talk to my friends all the time. I'll just have to learn to deal with it, even though I don't want to.
Ergh, I just really miss my best friend right now...like...a lot.
Why does life have to be so complicated? xD
- I Dare You to Move
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- insanityspews
- May 29th, 22:55
I wonder when I became so scared of people who were angry. I wonder when that first started that whenever yelling or screaming or someone got frustrated I would start shaking and just want to run away. I really absolutely wonder when that first started, because I don't know why it did.
Whenever my family yells at each other I get so tense and I shiver and shake and I just want to run out of the house, and when I'm anywhere else, even watching a movie, I get so scared. I dunno why...
Some people who have known me for a while know this little tid bit about me, that I hate yelling and arguing and stuff. I try my hardest not to get into an argument because I'm afraid it'll turn into yelling. Even on messengers I get kinda scared, but I can keep my composure better.
I try my hardest in turn to not yell at people...it's very rare that I do, and if I do scream, I automatically hate myself for it because of what I feel when someone else does that.
Heck. I can't believe I get so stressed over this.
The only reason I'm saying this is because today Ryan at work was getting so frustrated with a customer, who was being really idiotic and annoying, that he yelled at me (kinda). We were both going to toast our sandwiches we were making and he went "TAKE IT. JUST TAKE IT!" and walked into the back because he had to let off steam for a few seconds.
I mean, I was shaking so hard I could barely even put the dang sandwiches in the oven.
Today's just been aaaaaaaaa long day. I guess. No one was online and I was just feeling lonely, especially since I haven't talked to Sam in a while and I miss her so much. And also she's been down lately and my phones been a crap butt, not letting me make calls and I'm so frustrated with it right now. I WANT to talk to Sam. And it's not LETTING me, and no one else will lend me their phones!
UGH.
I might as well just go to bed.
- Headlong Extremeties~
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- insanityspews
- May 14th, 13:38
So my brother broke my school laptop and my personal laptop. We don't know if it was by /accident/ like he says, or on /purpose/, because no one was at home in the time that it happened. All I know iiiiis, both are broken, aaaand I need to send my school laptop back and I'll have to pay for the repairs. (Both the screens were smashed in on both of them.) We're still trying to figure out if the warranty on my own laptop covers the screen being smashed. XP
In any case, screens apparently cost like, $200 each o-o'
BUT. I'm trying my best not to bring it up to my brother. I don't like holding grudges, but I'm pretty sure it's going to pop up XD' The grudge, sooner of later it will.
Tomorrow night is gonna be so much fun!!! Laserdome, laser tag, arcade, DDR, >D BOOYEAH. WHOOHOO.
My brother was originally going but now he's grounded and can't |D
So it'll be me and my dad, and the youth group from our church, and a few other churches around the Laserdome.
It's from 9PM Friday, till 8AM Saturday. |D HOOOOYEAAH BABEH.
We've gone about..three other times I think, ever since I was in the youth group I believe. It's SOOOO much fun!!
I just need to figure out what I can wear. xD Thinking of wearing my blue shirt/black vest combo I have, and of course, black jeans.
Oh man, my feet are gonna hurt so much.
I'M TOTALLY DOING DDR. I love that game so much. And I mean, it's a bunch of church people, who cares if it's technically 'dancing'. You're stepping on ARROWS for Pete's Sake. XD
Saturday I think my parents are up to something, but they won't tell me WHAAAAT. xD I keep bugging them...
Also, the oppurtunity for me to make more money as like, a side job, has come up. I'm not sure if I'm going to do it though, maybe like, occasionally I'll do stuff. It just confuses me that my dad wants me to draw art to sell to a tattoo artist....xD; I dunno what I want to do, because I don't have much faith in my artistic skills even though people say my art looks good. Not sure if it's tattoo material though.
UHM, running out of time before work. I probably won't be on later, gotta sleep :3
- Could get Addicted to this!
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- insanityspews
- May 7th, 12:27
Today I messed around with my Webcam that I got. And I can record videos.
So I think Im going to be keeping a uuuuuh, video diary? Video journal, or something. Why? Well, When I right these journals, you cant hear my uuuuh, expressions, or my voice, or how Im saying something. Its basically gonna be a private, top secret journal because no one will see them. I have a password on my laptop, so no one can get into it unless you know the password. Also, I think it would be good to just like, use this as I grow up in life, to look back at my past entries and go "WOW. I remember that."
Its also basically just a little thing that I can talk to no one and just say what I want to say and not be scared of anyone ever seeing it. I mean, maybe one day Ill post some videos or show some to friends, or other people may do it, but I dont know. I think itll be fun. :3
Ive already done one today, probably will do another one after work tonight. lolol. Yeah.
I could get addicted to this.
Anyways....I feel like crap. Cried a lot last night because I was very pissed last night, and I cry when I get mad heh. So my head hurts like hell. ><
Work will be fun...joy.
- Like Whoa~
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- insanityspews
- April 29th, 22:54
Life is good I can't complain.
Yeah, Aly & AJ 83
It really explains my mood, that first line.
These past two days have been...wonderful. I've just been so full of energy.
First of all, THREE MONTHS TILL I MEET SAM. I'm just so aSDKFJSLH$%^QW$Easdf I realized that today, and it just sent me into an "OH MY GAWD O____O" phase.
I can't wait. It's going to be so awesome. I mean, we have so much fun just TALKING to each other, think of how it's gonna be when we're able to hang out, play games, wrestle, shop, eat together, just asdfahsdf
Yesterday was just in plain,a flat out good day. I was REALLY nervous for most of it, but it was good. :3 I had fun.
And today, for the first time in ages, I actually went and played Basketball at church.
I mean, that's the only game they really play, and I don't like Basketball nor can I play it. But tonight I was in a good mood, and I actually got in and played, and enjoyed it (Partially because seriously, I can stand my ground, and there were only two other girls and like, six guys? HA. I knocked some of those guys around pretty gooood. >D Got at least two or three on the ground a few times.)
And everyone was surprised. I mean, I mostly passed the ball or blocked, because I can't shoot for my life, but the few times I did get it in, I was like "YES!" and I shot a long distance one and got it in, Jalen (who normally ignores me) came up and high-fived me and was all "YEAH CAITLIN"
Everyone knows I'm athletically challenged in Basketball. xD Give me a volleyball, SURE. Give me a Badminton! HOYEAH.
give me a basketball, football, soccer ball, anything else?
Stand clear!
Man...
I've also realized several things.
I'm going back to regular school. ^^ I miss my friends a lot, and I know things will be rough, but I have to stand strong and make it through. Mom already said she'd drive me and my bro to school.
"It'll get me into work earlier anyways. xD"
So I have to email Mr. Palmieri and ask where I can get a sheet to fill out what classes I want to take. (I think I really should retake Algebra II...>> I had a 67% final grade point average in the class. YEEK. Yeah.) I want to take Environmental Science, and I really wish that we had some kind of Creative Writing class. =| That'd help me out a lot.
I think though, that I'll only need six classes for four marking periods, which...means two or three classes only, which is what I have right now, instead of Four.
Which means, I can qualify for Scenior sign in or sign out once I can DRIVE. xD
Mom needs to get my social security card...
I really want to work with animals, or something that gets me moving around. I don't like sitting behind a desk without being able to exert energy. I saw how the people at the Bank worked when my mom took me on Thursday. I wouldn't be able to do it. I'd get so frustrated.
I can't work with numbers. @_@ Ugh. I won't be able to.
I also want to try and at LEAST get a book published before I turn 25. Or SOMETHING. xD
I want to visit Japan some time in my life, Italy, Ireland, I want to travel. I want to experience new things, new cultures.Man. XD I feel good. (DURNDURNDURNDURNDURNDURN) and I knew that I would.
SO GOOD. (DUNDUN)
SO GOOD (DUNDUN)
-spazz- XD
- Touchy Days Increase
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- insanityspews
- April 21st, 23:46
So, like I'm basically getting pretty much pissed off at everything lately, and I don't know why. I had a breakdown the other night, which I knew was coming and did nothing about until I just started sobbing and everything.
But after that, I've been really touchy. So I've been avoiding messengers for the most part, trying to avoid talking with my family because they pretty much just lay crap out on me that I don't deserve. And even things they DO annoy the heck out of me. like, I was just singing to some music, not even LOUDLY, in my room, and my brother comes over and slams my door shut. I mean, what the hell? It's hot enough as it is, and he goes and shuts off my source of air circulation? Talk about effing crap.
But, at work tonight I found out Heather and Brittany had been worried about me, because thursday night Brittany put the bain away (which is the like, containers of food out at Subway) and we kept this stupid plastic thing over the Cold Cut Trio because the flourescent lights discolor it. But apparently it got stuck underneath the container we hold the meatballs and junk in, and it fell off on to the coils that heat the metal thing up. Well, none of us KNEW. I mean, it was a complete ACCIDENT.
But apparently the next morning, when Eileen turned the warmers on, she went back out to the front a little later and it was smoking, and the plastic thing was on fire or something.
Well, Me, Heather, Ryan, and Brittany had worked Thursday night, and Heather, Ryan, and Brittany worked that Friday afternoon, and I didn't.
Apparently Eileen gave them hell, yelled and screamed at them about it, and Brittany and Heather (And Ryan) were worried, because I worked with them that night, Eileen would single me out and let loose on me as well.
I found that out because we were talking about the staff meeting we had that Sunday, and they had pulled the like, charred little plastic thing out and basically scolded EVERYONE for it, for taking 'shortcuts' that EVERYONE takes. And it was a complete ACCIDENT. Sure, it was a disastrous one if not caught, but they did catch it and that's what matters.
But Heather and Brittany had been concerned that Eileen would corner me when they weren't there and just yell at me.
And I'm pretty sure that if she had, I would have flipped out. As touchy as I am, when people start yelling and screaming at me for pointless things and for things I didn't do...that doesn't go over well. We probably would have gotten into a spitting match with each other. I will not lay low when I'm being yelled at for something I didn't even do, especially when it's something as stupid as that.
I've never been yelled at at Subway before. NEVER. EVER. And if she had, I probably would of either ended up yelling back at Eileen, or crying. Apparently, when Eileen was attacking Brittany about it, she started tearing up, and Eileen waved her hand in her face all obnoxiously and told her she was too immature.
WHAT THE HELL?
Brittany is going through crap right now as it was, and then she had to attack her like that?
I mean, I understand she was mad and upset because Subway would have caught fire under her watch, but we didn't purposely PUT it there. No one /KNEW/.
All night we ranted and raved about it, because it was Rachel, Heather, Brit, and me.
-sighs- Anyways...
I'm just touchy lately. Don't know why. xD
Maybe its because of my little break down...that I've realized people around here are so stupid. Like I was blind before. I know not a lot of people like me here. And I care, because I love to socialize and have fun, but I don't need them, they're idiots.
Besides Brittany and a few others, no one actually cares about me. The rest's words are like empty containers. Nothing.
ANYWAYS.
I have a physical tomorrow, and then Thursday I work, as well as going to work with my mom for bring your child to work day. I've never gone with her. (I'm taking my sketch book, and my DS. x) It'll be boring mostly.)\
Heading off to bed now. WHEE.
- If you could tell...
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- insanityspews
- March 28th, 23:18
So Friday and today were pretty good, mostly.
Brittany took me to the school's musical which was EPIC (meaning LONG) but it was SO funny. I mean, it was three hours long and there was a fifteen minute intermission, but it was REALLY REALLY good. and I swear, I'd love to be an actor or something one day because it looks like so much fun. (I've acted for church plays before but not anything hard core like a school play or musical. x_o)
Then afterwards, around ten Rachel picked us up and we went to Mr. Z's to get like, snack food and drinks (since we were REALLY thirsty from LAUGHING so hard).
Then we came home and Brittany, me, my mom and dad were all laughing with brittany as she told us funny stories and whatnot. (She laughed at us too because get the four of us together we cause riots sometimes.)
We went to bed at like, midnight, (and Brit got trampled by Sassy, my cat xDDDDD. It was HILARIOUS. I heard her stepping on Brit and I was about to ask and Brit went "I just got stepped all over by your cat!!!!"
Today we basically got up around 9-ish, ate Pop Tarts, she took a shower and then me her and Rachel went down to the general store to get some hoagies for lunch and brought them back and ate them and me and her watched some funny videos on youtube and everything, and then me and Rach had to work.
It was a buttload of fun.
And I hadn't had an actual FRIEND sleep over in like, eight years...
I was really nervous, because I had no idea what to do or anything (as gay as that sounds) but like, I'm not real girly so we couldn't talk make-up or anything but I guess it was all cool since we found a way to do it.
Then she tried making me a new voice mail since my current one is all stupid and whatnot, but I guess she never saved it D: And it was really funny.
--
That was the good part of the day.The BAD part was when I came home from work and my brother was asleep (which isn't normal) and I couldn't find my cat. So I went downstairs and my mom was like "Before you go bcak up, you'll need to find your cat to take too."
And so I was just like "...why is my cat down here?"
"Well, there was an incident so your brother isn't allowed to touch her and we brought her down here."
"......INCIDENT?"
"She pooped in the bathroom soo..."
IN EXPLANATION.
Recently my brother has been bugging Sassy like, EVERY ten minutes. Picking her up and flopping her over and throwing stuff at her, anything and everything. And I seriously CAN'T do anything, because I can't just grab her away from him, he'll squeeze her to keep a hold on her and that'll hurt her. But it's basically shooting her nerves, and recently she's been pooping everywhere because her nerves are getting shot.
so I'm so pissed right now because he's like, KILLING my cat. She's getting sick from it and I'm tired of his immaturity and idiocy. I mean, I've literally thought about killing him or how we would be so much better off without him..but I'm NOT going to kill him or anything. I may punch him soon but not kill him.
And it just makes me feel cold and heartless that I would want to kill my own brother.
And then there's also the fact that I really keep no contact with my friends from school. Next year I'm going back to regular school, and I made NO effort whatsoever to keep contact with anyone there. At the Musical, I saw several friends and waved al spazz-happily at them, but they just looked at me, blankly stared, and then looked away. Like, they KNEW it was me. I could TELL that, but they never acknowledged, they just ignored. And that raelly stabbed me in the stone-hard-heart I have.
I'm just so...I don't know. Untrusting of people around here. I've been betrayed too many times when I was littler that it's had its long-term affects on me, and I hate it, and I'm TRYING to get rid of that, and I guess I am because I can open up to Brit more and more each time I talk to her.
But, I also think, they never opened up to me, or tried to make contaact with me, either.
I don't know...
@_@' I'm tired and whatnot so YEY. -flops-
Time to go to bed. Gotta sing tomorrow sooooo xD heh.
- State of Mind or body?
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- insanityspews
- March 22nd, 21:04
I feel kind of blah. Not physically. Physically I'm okay. My thumb is healing specatcularily, or at least I think so. It's still bleeding from the hole they burned in my nail, but it's not so much black and blue anymore, and it looks SO much better.
I'm talking mentally, or...emotionally?
I'm not sure, maybe it's because I've been feeling lonely and out of place recently...I just want to sleep for a few days, but that's impossible. I can barely sleep for a few hours let alone a few days? Ha. It's silly to assume I can do that.
I don't know WHY.
It's just that...I feel...so out of it, not myself. Kind of sorry for myself or something...
so I'm drowning myself in movies, sleep, food, and role play. x)
Oh well...I don't know.
- Writer's Block: Fresh Flowers or Crunchy Leaves?
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- insanityspews
- March 20th, 19:14
I want it to be either. I love spring, because with Spring comes new gorgeous flowers and thunderstorms, nice smells, fresh rain, and it means the coming of summer, which will be the most fantastic summer of them all since I get to meet my best best best friend Pix. I'm so ecstatic for it to come, and I can't wait!
But then I love Autumn, because of the beautiful colors of the leaves as the trees change and resemble life so symbolically...yeah.
Both seasons are great, but Spring probably because it means that I still have spring, summer, and fall till winter.
I hate winter
too cold.
Anyways, yup. XD
- Their Opinions Don't Matter..
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- insanityspews
- March 20th, 17:28
It's adorable how some people can so easily confess their feelings for someone, and then you see other's turning red like they're constipated to even say "I like you."
...
Just the random thought of the day.
One more day of going to school! WOOHOO!
I'm so glad, I really can't stand Pleasant Valley, and it kills me to think I'll be going BACK there for my Senior year, most likely. which sucks...Today I saw my friend Brittany in the hallway. So I ran up beside her and was all "HEY!!! 8D"
And at first she gave me this "O_O???" then went "OH MY GOD!"
And I all grinned.
I haven't talked to her in a long time, I really need to keep in touch with my friends. But...for some reason, I feel like the friends I have there are just fakes I've made to keep me going. I can't really explain it, it's hard for me, but it's sort of like I'm using them in a way...like, I've never been to Brittany's house in the how many years I've known her, only been to Sam's once, and everyone else never even invited me.
And what kills me, too, is hearing the "OH MY GOD! CAITLIN?!" from my so called 'friends' as I walk down the hall, and I just turn, smile, and wave and continue on.
It's like I don't care, and they're just people that I use to fill my time..and I REALLY hate it. I hate it that I've done that...played them like I was their friends.
But in my life time, I've been betrayed a ton of times and I guess deep down, I've never gotten to know them because I was scared of being hurt again. And, I never seemed to fit in. I was always wearing some sort of mask when around them, I was never myself.
I wonder, what would they say if they saw and got to know the real me?
I mean, if I suddenly just revealed who I was and didn't care, and 'changed'.
I'm sure most wouldn't like me anymore, and I'm sure some would still like me...but somehow I'm not willing to do that. I'm very selective about my friends, as many know, and only the people I trust 100% KNOW the real me.
I don't even know the real me, which is scary. I always surprise myself when I look at a couple and go "...I'm jealous" when they tell each other they love the other and kiss and are happy.
I never wanted to get sucked into the love cycle. I always thought it was useless, vague, too wide and distracting. But, like every other teenage girl, I've gotten into a crush.
But it's not bad. Really. It just makes me happy to know I'm somewhat normal for a teen. I just wish I could explain to my parents and family about my crush, since my crush is one they would see as blasphamey and disgusting.
But hey, who cares?
My crush is my crush, and no one else's opinion matters.
Yup! Thas it!
- On That Swing...
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- insanityspews
- March 19th, 22:51
I'd love to sit on a swing set during the cool night, stare at the stars and moon and the sky, and ask myself questions while swinging absent mindedly.
What was my purpose in life?
Why was I there, why was I sitting by myself? What was a going to do in a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, decades?
Why was the world so wrong, but so right?
Why was there light and dark?
Why did life have to be so dang complicated?
I'd love to sit on that swing and cry tears into the dirt silently. I'd love to sit on that swing and laugh at myself for being stupid or clueless.
I'd love to sit on that swing and let myself truly understand myself;
and I'd love to sit on that swing and let myself become one of the many others that had used that swing for other purposes, and thus connecting me to them in an invisible bond and being able to share something with other's I'd never met.
And what I'd share is the comfort of the swing supporting me, and the view of the clear sky, and the beautiful moon and galaxy that in itself was a sign to say "We'll always be here."I'd just love to be able to smile at the sky, while on that swing, and say, "I'm happy. Thank you."
Maybe I'll never find that swing, and maybe I will. Maybe I won't need it. But I hope I will.
Because I think that being able to clear my head by sitting on a tool that connects me to childhood memories long forgotten, would be wonderful.
I'd love to meet that swing.
I'd love to swing with that swing.
- Oh Humurous God! I see your sign.
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- insanityspews
- March 19th, 20:03
Today wasn't rather eventful. I got up at 6:30, got ready to go to the stupid school because of PSSA's, and of course I hadn't had a good sleep last night due to my thumb, which I slammed in the stupid car door. I already had a major headache, but I ignored all that. Went to school, took the PSSA section on Reading, just two more days to go!
Then I walked over to Subway because I had to call off due to said thumb, and needed Ann's home number. In any case, I called off and my Aunt and cousin picked me up and then dropped me off at the house with my bro.
I basically hung around on the internet and watched Television till Sam called. Oh my gosh, I hadn't actually /spoken/ to her in forever, I missed hearing her voice so much. And of course, it took her like, twenty minutes to tell me something because of her friends. I was laughing the whole time.
And my new name is Lefonda. x)
In any case, she had to go and didn't call me back, and I went out to supper with my bro and dad and then came home and played on a RPG called Mabinogi and role played with my friend Maui, just trying to, you know, relax and stuff.
My thumb hurts like effing heck though. It's all black and blue and they should have drained the blood to release the pressure on it, but they didn't and now I'm stuck with the pain and inflamation. Let me tell you; I'm never slamming car doors ever again. I learned my lesson. It looks so gross, like I took a Sharpie and colored my nail. I'm serious! That's what it looks like!
I wanted to make a live journal because there were things that I wanted to write and say to limited people and not be judged, like on my deviantart account. I mean, some of my journals will probably be pointless rambles, and I don't feel like bothering everyone with an added message due to a spazzed-out-hyper-enduced journal. Haha.
In any case, I'll be going to bed early again tonight. I'm so tired.
